Jasmine's Jottings

You've got to laugh or else you'll cry

There are so many commentaries on what has been happening over the last couple of weeks that I'm not going to add to them...yet (watch this space, though, I have stuff to say!)

However, my big warning to everyone, given the kinds of questions I've had from journalists, readers, viewers etc recently is "Don't lose money through panicking".

I honestly think that's the biggest danger for consumers right now. Greed, stupidity and fear are the big enemies of money-making. We've had a few years of greed and stupidity and if we don't watch it we'll have another year or two of fear and stupidity.

Now is not a time to be selling everything - it being a low market. Now is a time for holding tight, cutting costs and looking to buy while things are cheap. By things I mean shares and, a little later, I mean property and even businesses if that's what you're after.

This is a time of opportunity if we approach it right. And one way to help dampen the panic and get our feet on the ground is to have a laugh about it. Here are some lines sent in by readers of the Freakonomics blog (a good one to subscribe to btw). Check 'em out and add do please any you have heard. We all need some good jokes:

 

What’s the difference between a investor and a pigeon?

The pigeon can still make a deposit on a house.

Heard something similar back in the 80s. I love that joke.

 

What’s a Liberal?
 A Conservative Mugged by Wall Street.

 

I went to buy a toaster, and it came with a bank.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker?

A: A tie.

 

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: Two … one to change the bulb, the other to sell off the old one at the highest price possible before CNBC reports that it’s burned out.

 

Q: How many commodities traders does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: None, they don’t change bulbs; but the trading price of darkness plummets due to oversupply.

 

Q: How many real-estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: Just one … but after changing the bulb, s/he raises the asking-price of the house due to “recent renovations.”

 

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and saw a man below. “Excuse me, but can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am,” he said.

The man below replied: “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude.”

To which the balloonist replied “You must be a broker.”

To which the man on the ground said: “I am, but how did you know?”

The reply came from above: “Everything you told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The man below responded: “You must be a trader.”

To which the balloonist replied: “Yes, I am, but how did you know?”

To which the man on the ground said: “You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to your current position due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

 

As overheard being told on the radio by Warren Buffett:

They are cancelling the Christmas Pageant on Wall Street this year.

They are apparently not three wise men left among the lot, let alone a virgin.

 

What’s the difference between a bond and a bond trader?

A bond matures.

How to live on £1 a day

Talk about the credit crunch challenge. A teacher called Kath Kelly managed to live on £1 a day for a year, according to this article in the Times.

The £1 a day didn't include her rent or utility bills, but it did cover food, clothes, toiletries etc. I have to say I'm really impressed by the way she managed it. She didn't try to freeload off friends (I probably would have done!) but did it by being clever and very thrifty.

From the outset she set some strict rules for herself. If she spent less than £1 a day she could carry the change over. She didn't just mope at home though. She constantly went to free events, from book launches to gallery openings - anything that might have free food. Great idea, it's the kind of thing we suggest in our article on how to live for free.

Buses were out, so every journey had to be made on foot or bicycle - that will have kept her fit and youthful! Also, she couldn't afford calls on a mobile phone so she would visit friends or leave them notes if she had anything to tell them. There's radical in this day and age. You wouln't think anyone could cope without a mobile nowadays.

She still met up with friends but did it in a cheap way. “Instead of meeting for lunch in a café, as we used to, we'd take sandwiches and a Thermos of home-made soup and eat on a bench in the park,” she says. She  made the soup every morning from chicken carcasses given away by her local butcher - now there's a good idea! - and whatever vegetables she could find. Also, she found out that delis often sell whatever is left over at the end of the day very cheaply because they can't keep it overnight. I don't know if she got into freeganism (raiding the bins at the back of supermarkets for the post 'best-before' stuff. I'm still trying to do that - I just can't find local supermarket bins. They hide them!

Also, she kept her eyes on the ground and picked up a total of £117 in loose change over the year. She said: “I kept it for emergencies but in the event I didn't need it so at the end of the year I gave it to charity.” Brilliant!

She even managed to afford a holiday, hitch-hiking to her brother's house in Brittany.

At the end of the year she was able to buy her brother and his new wife a £1,300 life membership of the National Trust as a wedding present with her savings, as well as contributing to the cost of the reception. She had also found found herself a new boyfriend while helping out at an organic farm.

Apparently, the whole exercise has changed the way she looks at life. She said: “Before, I enjoyed spending money as much as anyone, but now I don't see the need for expensive things." Impressive woman. It just shows that it can be done and one doesn't have to lose out on life just by cutting back on 'things'. I'm particularly impressed by the fact that she got out and about and even found herself a new boyfriend during this time. She didn't lose out on anything real.

Kerry's bust (thank you, The Sun!)

(I've just realised that I haven't blogged here for over half a year! Shocking - so let's start again!)

I couldn't resist that headline from the Sun - say what you like about them, they've got a sense of humour when it comes to titles!

But poor old Kerry Katona. Seriously, I do feel sorry for her. She had a really difficult upbringing and her mother's still making her life a misery. It's understandable that she's turned to drink, drugs and over-spending to try to make herself feel better. Obviously, though, none of them have helped in the least. In fact, as always, they've done the opposite. Now, even though she makes hundreds of thousands of pounds a year, she's been made bankrupt.

It just shows, again, that what the economists say is true: when it comes to being rich, the amount you spend is more important than the amount you earn. It really doesn't matter if you make millions. If you spend more millions then you're going to have problems. Look at Michael Jackson. He makes even more than Kerry but he's had problems because of his massive spending habit.

Kerry needs to feel loved and whole and worthy (who doesn't!?) Like so many, she's trying to fill an emotional and spiritual void with all the wrong things. I'd like to sit down with her and go through what she feels is wrong and find out ways to put it right. Until the underlying problems are dealt with she will continue to lurch from one crisis to another.

She's incredibly resilient and even if this bankruptcy sticks (according to her agent, Max Clifford, it will be annulled next week when cheques clear...hmm, we'll see) I think she can bounce back. I have a few friends who have been made bankrupt in the past and they've learnt from it. Sure it's tough, but it's by no means the end of the world. It can be a good wake-up call and can make you determined to have control of your money and never be messed around by it again.

Our article on bankruptcy on Moneymagpie gives you the facts. It's not pretty and it does mean that you won't get any credit at all for a few years, particularly in today's financial climate. But it doesn't last forever and there are ways of cleaning up and rebuilding your credit record afterwards as this article shows.

I'll be interested to see what Kerry says about her experience in her OK! column. If I were her, from now on I would set aside a good proportion of the money she gets from that column into a special savings account to pay her tax and VAT. It's the only way. If you work for yourself you just have to keep doing that, every month, so that when the dreaded bills come in, it's not such a horrible shock.

Christmas offers

I'm not a big fan of Christmas, and certainly not a big fan of overspending this season, but I thought it was time I spread a few Christmas(ish) offers around. These are all on Moneymagpie.com in our 'Bag a Bargain' article but hey - no harm in spreading them around here too.

Firstly - want a free laptop?

If you're looking to renew your broadband package then you can get yourself a free £400 laptop or PlayStation 3. However, do be aware that it’s only worth taking out if you need a new broadband package because it’s a 24-month contract.

It's good value, though, at only £19.99 a month, and this includes a maximum 8mbps download speed (meaning fast internet), 40GB download allowance (the equivalent of downloading about 10,000 CD-quality songs a month), a pay as you talk call package (which can be upgraded for £2.50 to get free evening and weekend calls to landlines and for an extra fiver you can get unlimited calls to landlines) plus a wireless router to connect up your free laptop.

Then how about free gifts?

You can get a free gift worth £26 when you spend £50 at the Body Shop online until 21 December The free gift includes Mini Satsuma Body Butter 50ml, Mini Super Volume Mascara 5ml, White Musk EDT 10ml, Vitamin E Day Cream 15ml, Cranberry Shower Gel 60ml, Vitamin E Night Cream 15ml, Hemp Hand Protector 10ml, Orange Two Tone Lily. All contained in a fabulous bag.

And finally, what about beautiful bargains?

We've also got deals from M&S and Boots, an exclusive reader discount on Pamperzone fragrances and posh skincare, and how to get London cinema tickets for less than a fiver. Phew.

Full details in the 'Bag a Bargain' section, which is regularly updated as soon the Magpies spot another great deal.

 

Fractured society

I've just come back from a week's holiday in a fun, cheap hotel full of Brits, Germans, Dutch, Italians, Spanish, Swiss and a few more nations. Embarrassingly I realised after a day or so that you could quite easily tell which were the Brits because generally they were the fattest, worst-dressed, least active and most tattooed and pierced. It made me so proud, particularly when one big English bloke passed me in the restaurant sporting a t-shirt bearing the words 'Masturbation is not a crime'. I'm guessing he's single.

I agree with Alan Greenspan that we need to pick up our flagging education system if we're to have a chance of competing globally in years to come but we also have to mend our increasingly insecure and weakening society if we're going to hold our own on any level in the future. I know ours isn't the only country facing increasing social problems but but that shouldn't bring comfort. Today we have calls for an alcohol tax rise to protect the young but it's going to take a lot more to reverse the trend of general over-indulgence in our country.

Let's get into a simpler, less selfish way of living. There are loads of ways to live for free and have fun on a budget. There's so much more real fun to be had in life and most of it is free!

Fractured society

I've just come back from a week's holiday in a fun, cheap hotel full of Brits, Germans, Dutch, Italians, Spanish, Swiss and a few more nations. Embarrassingly I realised after a day or so that you could quite easily tell which were the Brits because generally they were the fattest, worst-dressed, least active and most tattooed and pierced. It made me so proud, particularly when one big English bloke passed me in the restaurant sporting a t-shirt bearing the words 'Masturbation is not a crime'. I'm guessing he's single.

I agree with Alan Greenspan that we need to pick up our flagging education system if we're to have a chance of competing globally in years to come but we also have to mend our increasingly insecure and weakening society if we're going to hold our own on any level in the future. I know ours isn't the only country facing increasing social problems but but that shouldn't bring comfort. Today we have calls for an alcohol tax rise to protect the young but it's going to take a lot more to reverse the trend of general over-indulgence in our country.

Let's get into a simpler, less selfish way of living. There are loads of ways to live for free and have fun on a budget. There's so much more real fun to be had in life and most of it is free!

Check out 'Stumbleupon.com'

I just love stumbleupon.com. It's addictive! It's basically a random search engine. You tick the kinds of subjects you're interested in and it brings up all kinds of websites you would never have known about for you.

Sites like this one which has video instructions for cool paper games - they're speeded-up and really watchable. This one has a list of free audio books (I love audio books - so restful) and there's a load of great cartooning on the Net like this vid here and this really weird one.

 

There are so many recipe sites too - you never need to buy another recipe book. Just two that came up while I was 'stumbling' yesterday are this raw food site and this 'sugar' one. Excellent.

Then of course there are the funnies...many seen before but it's worth revisiting some, like this list of things to do if you're bored and just want to annoy people:

1. Leave the copy machine set      to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all      your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your      drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye,      tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic      ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car      windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them      tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone      says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and      modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant      information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a      large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences      with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation      is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and      "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while      someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV      so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like      it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle      of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just      how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a      restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation      either
23. Buy a large quantity of      orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

From debt to riches

I was on GMTV and Sky News this morning talking about the new debt figures from the Citizens' Advice Bureau - got such a response it crashed Moneymagpie. Aargh! Thankfully it is up again and my hosting company has sorted the problem out so it shouldn't happen again.

I'm not in the least surprised that the CAB now finds that debt is the most common problem it deals with. I think it is going to get worse before it gets better. So much money has been lent out (we now owe over £300 billion in loans, credit cards, overdrafts and HP) and so much interest is being charged on it, that even if no more is borrowed, the current debt across the country will keep growing for a year or more.

There are ways out though and we have loads of them on Moneymagpie:

• Obviously - switching all essential expenses like fuel, insurance etc to cheaper ones where you can
• Switching your debts to cheaper ones where you can (I say 'where you can' because it often depends on your credit rating - but you can check that for free beforehand)
• Cutting back on everything that is not essential
• Getting as much as you can for free
• And, importantly, increase your income. We have loads of ideas on that - many of them pretty easy things you can do in your spare time.

On the other hand, if it really is too much to handle, bankruptcy or an IVA may be the answer. Personally I think it's best to talk to one of the free advice agencies first before doing anything drastic. The Bankruptcy Advisory Service are good, as are the CAB, of course, and the CCCS.

Off Facebook

I've just come off Facebook.

It's been brewing for a while. I only went on it because my friend Woody said it was great for networking and an essential for business (he came off it himself a month after putting me on - ha!). It has irritated me from the start.

There are some great aspects to the site and I have met a few really nice, interesting people through it. I have also made contact with people I haven't seen for years. But too much of it annoys me to bother anymore.

• I don't care if 'Charles' is now friends with 'Anna'.
• I don't care how many books Joel has read (or says he has read)
• I don't care if William is feeling 'cool' or 'edgy'
• I'm quite unhappy knowing that a decent-looking guy who has just 'poked' me is looking for 'random play' or 'anything I can get'.
• I don't want to be Zombiefied, super-poked, slapped or even sent a virtual present.
• I really don't want people writing dodgy things on my wall (not that anyone has yet, but give it time).
• I don't want dodgy messages from dodgy types I don't know who want to make unhelpful comments

Yes, I know I could tighten my privacy settings, and I certainly never put important information in like my mobile number, address or date of birth, but frankly, I just can't be bothered with the trivia anymore and I don't think I'm the only one. In fact, I'm going to stick my neck out now and say that I give Facebook about three months before it implodes. It's too big, too wide, too open and too easily abused.

Time for more of a real social life instead of a virtual one. Time for moving myself out into the big wide world more often and seeing people face to face. I want a real face to talk to, not a facebook.

Dinner party on the tube

If you're sick of hearing dire reports about gang warfare on London streets (and it is happening - no doubt about it) and you tremble each time you have to go on the tube, take a look at this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywLhNwSBizE&feature=dir. Now there's a good attitude to tube travel and community spirit. Good for them - although I don't know quite how they got away with it...