Jasmine's Jottings

You've got to laugh or else you'll cry

There are so many commentaries on what has been happening over the last couple of weeks that I'm not going to add to them...yet (watch this space, though, I have stuff to say!)

However, my big warning to everyone, given the kinds of questions I've had from journalists, readers, viewers etc recently is "Don't lose money through panicking".

I honestly think that's the biggest danger for consumers right now. Greed, stupidity and fear are the big enemies of money-making. We've had a few years of greed and stupidity and if we don't watch it we'll have another year or two of fear and stupidity.

Now is not a time to be selling everything - it being a low market. Now is a time for holding tight, cutting costs and looking to buy while things are cheap. By things I mean shares and, a little later, I mean property and even businesses if that's what you're after.

This is a time of opportunity if we approach it right. And one way to help dampen the panic and get our feet on the ground is to have a laugh about it. Here are some lines sent in by readers of the Freakonomics blog (a good one to subscribe to btw). Check 'em out and add do please any you have heard. We all need some good jokes:

 

What’s the difference between a investor and a pigeon?

The pigeon can still make a deposit on a house.

Heard something similar back in the 80s. I love that joke.

 

What’s a Liberal?
 A Conservative Mugged by Wall Street.

 

I went to buy a toaster, and it came with a bank.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker?

A: A tie.

 

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: Two … one to change the bulb, the other to sell off the old one at the highest price possible before CNBC reports that it’s burned out.

 

Q: How many commodities traders does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: None, they don’t change bulbs; but the trading price of darkness plummets due to oversupply.

 

Q: How many real-estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: Just one … but after changing the bulb, s/he raises the asking-price of the house due to “recent renovations.”

 

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and saw a man below. “Excuse me, but can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am,” he said.

The man below replied: “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude.”

To which the balloonist replied “You must be a broker.”

To which the man on the ground said: “I am, but how did you know?”

The reply came from above: “Everything you told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The man below responded: “You must be a trader.”

To which the balloonist replied: “Yes, I am, but how did you know?”

To which the man on the ground said: “You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to your current position due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

 

As overheard being told on the radio by Warren Buffett:

They are cancelling the Christmas Pageant on Wall Street this year.

They are apparently not three wise men left among the lot, let alone a virgin.

 

What’s the difference between a bond and a bond trader?

A bond matures.

How to live on £1 a day

Talk about the credit crunch challenge. A teacher called Kath Kelly managed to live on £1 a day for a year, according to this article in the Times.

The £1 a day didn't include her rent or utility bills, but it did cover food, clothes, toiletries etc. I have to say I'm really impressed by the way she managed it. She didn't try to freeload off friends (I probably would have done!) but did it by being clever and very thrifty.

From the outset she set some strict rules for herself. If she spent less than £1 a day she could carry the change over. She didn't just mope at home though. She constantly went to free events, from book launches to gallery openings - anything that might have free food. Great idea, it's the kind of thing we suggest in our article on how to live for free.

Buses were out, so every journey had to be made on foot or bicycle - that will have kept her fit and youthful! Also, she couldn't afford calls on a mobile phone so she would visit friends or leave them notes if she had anything to tell them. There's radical in this day and age. You wouln't think anyone could cope without a mobile nowadays.

She still met up with friends but did it in a cheap way. “Instead of meeting for lunch in a café, as we used to, we'd take sandwiches and a Thermos of home-made soup and eat on a bench in the park,” she says. She  made the soup every morning from chicken carcasses given away by her local butcher - now there's a good idea! - and whatever vegetables she could find. Also, she found out that delis often sell whatever is left over at the end of the day very cheaply because they can't keep it overnight. I don't know if she got into freeganism (raiding the bins at the back of supermarkets for the post 'best-before' stuff. I'm still trying to do that - I just can't find local supermarket bins. They hide them!

Also, she kept her eyes on the ground and picked up a total of £117 in loose change over the year. She said: “I kept it for emergencies but in the event I didn't need it so at the end of the year I gave it to charity.” Brilliant!

She even managed to afford a holiday, hitch-hiking to her brother's house in Brittany.

At the end of the year she was able to buy her brother and his new wife a £1,300 life membership of the National Trust as a wedding present with her savings, as well as contributing to the cost of the reception. She had also found found herself a new boyfriend while helping out at an organic farm.

Apparently, the whole exercise has changed the way she looks at life. She said: “Before, I enjoyed spending money as much as anyone, but now I don't see the need for expensive things." Impressive woman. It just shows that it can be done and one doesn't have to lose out on life just by cutting back on 'things'. I'm particularly impressed by the fact that she got out and about and even found herself a new boyfriend during this time. She didn't lose out on anything real.